Wednesday, 2003-10-29
epiphany at the cec
Talking to my career counselor at the Career Exploration Center earlier today, I had (prepare for the cheese, it'll be laid thick) a breakthrough. After bouncing back various thoughts, my counselor said something which hit me hard enough that I knew to grab a pen and paper and write it down:
If you could convince everyone that you're not full of potential, then maybe you'd be able to reclaim your life.
Honestly, there's a connection, which I'll soon explain, that should've been made much sooner. All too frequently, I find myself letting others down who believe in my potential. The response I have, albeit misguided, is usually one of self-destruction. I do whatever I can to let others down in order to regain the control over my life that I've long felt is no longer mine.
Choice lyrics from Radiohead's How to Disappear Completely explain my current existence best: "I'm not here. This isn't happening." This must be internally sung else all affect (or at least that which it has on me) is lost.
If only everyone around would simply give up on me, I'd be free to enjoy success and realize my potential. But this can never happen, for those who care about me won't. All which leads me back to my (well-guided) realization. I need to succeed for myself. No one else. In doing so I'll reduce all the guilt of being a let-down which weighs on me oh so heavily.
To those who care about me that'll read this: thank you for your support. I am far from ungrateful. All else: the hiatus is over, another pointless dotcom is back.